MERRY CHRISTMAS AND DON’T DRINK THE WATER! by Lettice Randall

Dec.19,2011

Dear Friends,

Well, it’s newsletter time again. So here’s our Christmas newsletter so all of you can see what we been up to for the past year.

We ain’t had too bad of a year, considering. It started off a little scary when our septic tank started leaking and formed a pond in the middle of our lawn. But we decided not to get too upset and to look on the bright side and that’s when things really started looking up. Our bad luck came to an end when little Jimmy discovered a new use for that pond, and now we’re enjoying our own built-in swimming pool. We didn’t even need to go on a vacation this summer. We just decided to stay home by the pool. I think they call it a  Staycation. Best summer we ever had! Well, that pool sometimes gets a little funky in the hot sun, but when the cool night air settles in, that is one of the finest places to swim I ever seen. Kinda like one of them there spas. Warm and relaxin’. And the flies don’t bother you after a while. You kind of get used to ‘em. And to tell the truth, their buzzing around is like music to our ears. So now we have a pool with what I guess you could call “surround sound.”

And there’s more good news. When cooler weather came, Ma finally started recovering from that nasty skin condition she had all summer. We ain’t quite sure where she got it, but it got real nasty there for a while. Even long soaks in our new pool didn’t seem to help it. So we took Granny’s advice. Granny suggested a poultice of dried chicken livers and kerosene. That rash has finally met its match and is pretty near gone.

Well, it sure has been our year for ailments. Can’t say why all these bugs are making themselves at home in our home, but they sure have overstayed their welcome. Since September, we’ve had to battle one thing or another with each of the kids. First it was head lice with Monty. We washed his hair in turpentine every night and then poured a shot of whiskey over his head. Granny swears by this remedy. Only problem is, she forgot to tell Monty to stay away from open fires. Well, head lice ain’t a problem for Monty anymore. His hair’s starting to grow back real nice too.

Landon was the next to get his share of bad luck. He got appendicitis real bad. Granny to the rescue again. She said he needed to tie a leather thong around his waist. She claims the appendicitis will go into the thong. Then you take that thong and tie it around a tree and the illness will enter the tree. Don’t sound too good for the tree, but if it dies, we’ll use it for fire wood. Only down side to this cure for Monty. We didn’t have a leather thong so he had to borrow a silk one from his sister, Loretta. It was a real purty one. Kind of pink with a little lace. Poor Landon had to wear it to school on gym day and now he’s getting bullied about his choice of underwear. Don’t them dumb kids know anything. It ain’t just any underwear. It’s a cure. Enough of Monty. Please be thinking of Tina May. She just turned 16 last week. We noticed her belly’s been getting kinda big lately. We’re afraid she might have a tumor. Grandpa says “It’s not a tumor.” But what’s he know?  Well, I could go on and on about our ills, but I’ll try and spare you. I just wanted to give you some of the highlights of our year. Cold weather is here now and we’re busy with our Christmas goings on but if you are in our neck of the woods, stop by for a visit. We’ll give you a cup of sassafras tea. And if you can’t make it here this winter, come for a visit next summer. Be sure to bring your bathing suit! Merry Christmas!

 Ma, Pa, Granny, Granpa and the kids.

DISCLAIMER:

Ted, don’t be offended. This story is NOT about Tennessee, altho’ it could be. But it could also be about up state Maine, or Vermont or even Monroe Bridge, MA. Use your imagination.

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